Rotton Coloured Eggs

Family feuds and obligations have made Easter 2008 the first, of many to be sure, holiday that I have spent alone...
I never understood when I was younger how it happened that people spent holidays alone...
My family has always been the cornerstone of my existence...
Then, it gradually over the years started happening...
Back a few years ago, my sister moved 2 hours away because the man that she was dating told her to do so...
My brother became immersed in the Skin Head culture (he's not a racist, but more importantly I am not a racist...it is not a family value that he was taught from birth...it's a culture that he's decided accepts him...I'm not getting into all of that right now) and has allowed violence, drugs and alcohol to take over his life...It's more that I'm frightened to spend time with him then anything else...He has a baby, and an ex wife at the ripe age of 25 and is spending the holiday with them...
I usually do spend Easter out in Lancaster PA with my mother, but the fact that my step father and I currently dislike each other has put a damper on my plans.
And my dad...
Well, my dad is spending time with his wife and their kids...
I feel like a stranger when that part of the family unit is together...so I try to let them have their space...
What I'd really like right now is to call up my father and ask him why he didn't invite me to dinner...
He'll just say that of course I'm always welcome at his house...
and then I'll totally chicken out and NOT tell him that I was raised to only come over to someone's house when invited.
and then I wouldn't tell him that his wife skeives me out...
and that her son is a creeper
and that their son is also more then a bit odd and dorky...
and that I'd just rather be by myself...

Only the thing is that I really DON'T want to be by myself.
I'd so much rather be with people who love me.
and right now I'm just going to throw a pity party and grovel in my self deprecating nonsense of an existence.

And I'm trying so hard not to get down on myself.
Not to think bad thoughts...

and my face is breaking out...
and this cuban sandwich that I am eating that is leftover from last night's midnight snack at the Tick Tock
just isn't as satisfying as a spiral ham and boring family conversation would be.